Just Who Will You Be?
(5 votes, average: 4.6 out of 5)September 18, 2008 by Erin Casey
Credit: Ben Baker/Redux
Maria Shriver discovered it’s not what you do, but who you are that matters.
Children are asked quite often, what do you want to be when you grow up? As teenagers, they’re sent off to college to prepare for their chosen profession. And, after spending between $25,000 and $50,000 (or more) on a bachelor’s degree, many of these young men and women go into a career that has nothing to do with their education.
Maybe that disconnect has something to do with the fact that we’re asking the wrong question. Perhaps instead of asking what you want to be, we should be asking who you want to be.
Embrace Your Identity Opportunity
From the outside looking in, few people have as glamorous a life as Maria Shriver. Growing up, the pressure to achieve—some of it self-imposed—was immense. Shriver was surrounded by great minds, high-achievers and people who were changing the world. And she followed suit.
She worked hard and became a celebrated journalist and best-selling author. She married Arnold Schwarzenegger and had four children. Throughout her life she’s gracefully taken on the role of keeper of the Shriver/ Kennedy family legacy.
But in 2003 her life took an unexpected turn when Schwarzenegger was elected governor of California. Almost overnight Shriver went from knowing exactly who she was and what she was about, to feeling as if she had no identity of her own. Like many women, she had been so busy working and serving she hadn’t taken the time to consider what it means to simply be.
For the first time, Shriver slowed down and started thinking about who she was and who she wanted to be. She experienced what she refers to as an identity opportunity. And as she began asking the question, she realized millions of women are asking themselves the same thing. The question resonates with women of all ages (and men for that matter), and Shriver’s book, Just Who Will You Be? held a place on the New York Times Best-Seller List for more than three months. In it, she shares some of the wisdom she’s gained by embracing her own identity opportunity.
Be Your Own Best You
Shriver was comforted to know that many women explore their identities. “When you write a book like this you think, ‘maybe I’m the only one,’ ” she says. “And then you see hundreds of thousands of people are also moved, helped or find connection to that. “I’ve tried to be very open about struggling for my own identity, and I think that’s really what people identify with,” Shriver says. “They say, ‘that’s me, too!’ And whether your dad or mom was a preacher, a doctor, a car salesman, a self-made man or woman, you’re always struggling with that being their part. What’s mine?”
In the midst of hectic, role-specific lives, Shriver’s goal is to help women discover the power and freedom of authenticity. “Be your own best you,” she says. “Don’t try to go and be an imitation. That was a lesson to myself.”
By becoming a journalist, Shriver attempted to avoid politics. And though in the past she’s been vocal about her lack of enthusiasm for donning the title “first lady,” Shriver took her own advice to heart and came to like the job. Before that transition took that role.
“My lesson was, don’t try to be like some other first lady; be yourself,” she says. “Dress the way that feels authentic to you; develop programs you’re interested in.” Women at any age and in any role—from stay-at-home mom to corporate executive—can benefit from Shriver’s advice and lessons learned: “Make the job a reflection of you as opposed to you trying to fit into the job.”
Make Your Own Road
It’s easy to get lost in a role or title. It’s also easy to unfairly and inaccurately compare yourself with someone else. “People, particularly women, tend to look at others and say, ‘They’ve got it all together. They know just what they’re doing. Why can’t I be like that?’ ” Shriver says.
“But I think it’s important to understand that everybody is basically trying to make it up as they go along.” That realization offers relief and freedom; relief in knowing you don’t have to follow somebody else, and the freedom that, “You have the choice and the power to make up your own version of yourself,” she says. “And why shouldn’t you? You’re a unique human being unto yourself.”
Through her book and her work with The Women’s Conference®, Shriver strives to help women find what inspires them as individuals and to realize what they are is much less important than who they are. The turning point occurs when individuals gain a clear understanding of what matters to them—as opposed to what’s important to their friends, parents, spouse, children or co-workers.
“First you have to know who you are and what’s important to you,” Shriver says. “If you find what empowers or helps other people, then your job can be to pass that on. But your first job is to know who you are. Live that life, that legacy. Then, once you get at peace with that or focused on that and you see it’s of benefit to you, why not pass it on?”
Honor Others’ Choices
Shriver’s hope is that when women become comfortable—even excited— about who they are, the walls of judgment will be torn down. “My dream is that women are united. I think one of the things the women’s movement did is divide us as women,” she says. “Women were asked to be judged whether they were stay-at-home moms, working moms or not mothers at all. I’m trying to say it doesn’t matter. We’re all in this together.”
Rather than approaching life with the “us versus them” mentality of the women’s movement, her hope is that women will start to accept others as they accept themselves and honor one another’s choices.
“That doesn’t mean one person is better than another,” she says. “It just means that’s who you are.”
Empower Others by Your Example
In a results-driven society, it’s easy to pass unhealthy habits on to our children. While being a high-achiever is great, setting unrealistic expectations can limit someone’s potential. So how do you pass on the value of authenticity to your children or others in your life? By being your own best you, she says. “You have to live your life. Your children pay attention to how you live your life.”
Evaluate whether your words match your deeds. Shriver recommends asking yourself, “Are you living a life others want to emulate? Are you a role model to your children? Are you a role model to yourself?”
And above all, live your own best, authentic life because, as Shriver points out, “It’s hard to say to your kids, ‘Live your own life; follow your own dreams,’ if you’re not doing it.”
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It is funny that each one of us thinks that we have a problem that no one else has and yet as we search for answers, we find that we are never alone in our struggles. There are plenty of people who have been in the exact place you are in now and are wanting to help you get through it. It is a wonderful feeling not to feel alone!
Thank you,
Laura Chacon